Dear diary,
The fear of being a terrible mother is a looming one, creating a fog in my head that dulls any other emotion or priority. There’s a conflict of interest between working for stability, all whilst acting as a support system for two children. It feels like in order to achieve one, the other must be sacrificed. Since I commit to creating a life for my family, I’ve been working more hours. Deepa and Sunil seemed to be coping with their newfound independence and the more time I invest into my job, the more I begin to cultivate a genuine interest in the field. As usual, it was going smoothly for about a week until Sunil was sent home early from school yesterday. I rushed home as quickly as I could and found him on the sofa looking as pale as a ghost, in a fit of coughs. I’ve taken him to the doctors, given him tea, made him soup, but everything seemed to make him worse. In the back of my mind, I beat myself up for being such a neglectful mother. Maybe if I were paying more attention yesterday morning, I wouldn’t have dismissed his sore throat as a weak excuse to miss school. Maybe if I weren’t so focussed on getting to work an hour early, I would have noticed his unusually warm forehead when I kissed him. I know it’s not good to ruminate like this, but its unavoidable. Sometimes I wonder whether I would be able to handle these situations better if I were older. Did I rob my children of a parent they deserve by having them so young? It doesn’t work like that, Anika. My own parents, as much as they loved me, didn’t love me enough to accept me after I fell pregnant with Sunil. It was my grandparents who taught them to raise me, who taught them how to hold me, how to care for me when I fall ill. With my own children, I have no one to call for help. I felt like I was thrown into the deep end, and although ten years have passed, I still feel like I’m gasping for air. It’s times like these where I pray for a partner, someone who can be a father to my children and create a sense of stability in my own life. I haven’t dated in around four years, and recently, I decided to start again. Of course, however, the Universe threw me completely off track with Raj’s call. Like his usual attempts at crawling his way back into my life, he began by telling me how much he wants to have a relationship with the kids. For real this time. He was so persistent on meeting them for dinner, and as much as I don’t want to deprive my kids of their own father, I know he’ll just end up disappointing them. As if he didn’t leave Sunil once already. As time passes, I see more and more of Raj in the boys. I can see his eyebrows on Deepa and his lips on Sunil. I can hear his laugh echo throughout the house when the boys watch their favourite movie. It’s usually a beautiful thing to see your children adopt the features of the person you love, but with Raj, it scares me. The more of him I see in my kids, the more I remember. I worry and wonder whether they inherited his thoughts too. I’m desperate to make sure they grow up to be nothing like him, but again, will this only happen if I give up my own dreams for the future?
Anika.
Note:
Dear Diary is a fictional feature based on the life of a single mother and her whirlwind life with two children, juggling a love life, full-time job and society itself. Written by Senushi Liyanarachchi, a fantastic features writer based in Australia, Dear Diary is a heartfelt log of the everyday life of a young motivated mother.
