Dear diary,
The guilt of keeping Sunil and Deepa from Raj wore me down for days before I caved. Once and for all, I’ve decided that depriving my children of a father figure solely because I’m expecting disappointment is a selfish reason, and really, not one at all.
Raj’s presence has been regular for around a week, and so far, our relationship has been strictly focussed on the kids. However, I can’t help but feel like this is just the calm before the storm. As much as I bask in my children’s happiness over their father’s return, I feel like the three of us are constantly walking on eggshells- like we’re only one inconvenience, one missed call from losing Raj once again.
Last night, Sunil won an excellence award at his school’s end-of-semester awards ceremony. Usually, it’s just me who’s here for these things, but for the first time in Sunil’s life, both his parents were able to see him walk across the stage, beaming with pride. Raj and I sat together in the third row. As our son walked up the stage stairs, I gave Raj a quick glance. Through his wide smile and bared teeth that covered his face, there was something in his eyes. It seemed like the glint of regret.
It’s hard for me not to imagine the four of us being a proper family. As skeptical I am about Raj, after seeing how happy he makes my kids, it’s hard to not imagine us all putting ornaments on the Christmas tree in the living room, or loading the car together in the early morning for a road trip.
My newfound dedication to my career seems to be the only thing in my life that I seem to have some control over. Unlike with my children and Raj, I don’t have to constantly wonder where things could go wrong, My mind doesn’t wander and create fantastical scenarios. At the office, everything is realistic and completely controllable. More often than not, I know what is coming next.
The change in management has also meant a new boss.
Luca is only a couple years older than me. The first time he walked in, I thought he was an intern so it surprised me to see him strut straight into my old boss’ office whilst an actual intern followed nervously behind, carrying a large cardboard box. Being so close in age, we naturally clicked. As of late, the two of us have been taking our breaks together. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been surrounded by my kids and employees with whom I have less than a surface level relationship with. But ever since Luca arrived, I’ve been able to make my first real friend. It’s been the first time where I’ve had the opportunity to talk about my own life outside of my therapy sessions. It feels more genuine too, like Luca’s listening to listen, not just to analyse me. More than just listening, he’s taken a true interest in my life.
Only a few days ago, I told him that I loved to paint with water colours as a teenager, but stopped after I became a mother. I arrived at the office today to find a brand new set of water colours on my desk, complete with three blank canvases.
When I asked him about it, Luca denied any involvement.
I’ve noticed that this kindness doesn’t just extend to me, but to everyone. Where my previous boss kept everyone in check through the harsh rules and the highest of expectations, Luca’s leadership is far softer. He takes the time to understand everyone and their abilities, he places a great focus on collaboration and sees the talent in everyone.
I admire him a great deal. I’d like to think that if my career ever advances to his level, I’d carry myself just as he does.
Anika.
