Dear diary,
I think the perfect time for reinvention is the new year. Despite the fact that I began my process months ago, the companionship of the resolution-makers and the new gym goers makes me feel like I am not completely alone in the process- that just as I am, everyone else has a life they feel needs a little tweaking.
It’s the start of the new year that allows me to put my own life into perspective within a bigger picture. This past year has been a rough one, and for the most part, I’ve been navigating my way under the assumption that I’m the only single mother with a dysfunctional family and strange love life, as if those problems belong solely to me. However, the rush of shoppers I’ve seen throughout the Christmas holidays and the young women with one child hoisted at the hip, and the other attached to the hand have stunned me out of my period of introspection. It’s so easy to feel like you’re alone when the only person you truly think about is yourself. The seemingly normal exposure I’ve had to others, riddled with the new year’s spirit has caused me to wonder how many struggling mothers and fatherless children there are, and whilst it saddens me to acknowledge that many are in the same boat, I am also presented with an eerie sense of comfort.
It feels tone-deaf to say, but it was quite recently that I learnt of my privilege. This year, I’ve been consistently focussing on what I lack- a stable relationship with my parents, ample time with my kids, a fruitful love life, but I now think of everyone who has it far worse than I do. It’s true that sometimes I struggle to make my rent or pay my bills, but I have a stable income with a salary I can only see increasing. My family is not poverty-stricken or dealing with ailments that I do not have the funds to manage. My children have the luxury of attending school with the promise of textbooks and supplies, despite being second hand. At home, they have the privilege of three daily meals and cheap snacks. And whilst I may have seen Raj as a slight annoyance, the boys also have him- a father figure who seemingly prides himself on being in their lives.
Being the new year, I find it easy to laser focus even more on what I don’t have. It’s easier to enter a flurry of self-improvement and self-hatred rather than stop for a moment and think about who we are instead of who we are not. My new year’s resolution won’t materialise into anything physical. I don’t vow to have my dream body or a husband or a bigger paycheck. Rather, it’s a much needed benefit to my mental and spiritual state of being, the vow to carry gratitude with me wherever I go.
Anika.
