Dear diary,
It’s been a week since we’ve been back. The routines have once again been set in place and it feels like Japan was just a distant memory from a previous life. Back here, life seems more bleak. We’re not surrounded by the flashy tech or the vivid colours of a foreign country. At work, the office seems far smaller than it was when I left it, I find myself craving the collaboration and creative process of the Japan project, two elements that seem flimsy now that I’m back. There’s been talk of me heading for another promotion, and whilst I have my worries about tiring myself out too much, I also know that the quicker I climb the ladder, the quicker I can give my family the life that they deserve. Maybe I can move us all to Sweden or Canada- somewhere relaxed, and not as hot. Now that I’m back, reconnecting with my parents seems much more real to me. I pushed it aside for a long time before I left, putting it off and hoping that I’d just forget about it. Because my anxieties surrounding work have subsided now and my life outside of my parents feels secure, the issue of them feels like a giant brick wall. Like I can’t move forward unless I do something to properly repair my relationship with them. I just never feel ready to take that step. I mean, how is anyone supposed to mend anything with the people who basically killed them off? The relationship between parent and child is meant to be unconditional, but for me, it’s never felt that way. My entire childhood was filled with the fear that my mistakes would cause a great shunning. That fear festered and festered until it eventually came true. If I go back to them, would I feel that way again? Or worse, will my children bear the same burdens?
Anika.
